Well, first of all lets look at why anyone would you want to invite someone the don’t know to something in the first place – here are some reasons:
To meet new people and make new connections – if you want to meet new people then inviting someone you don’t know to something is a great skill to have.
To introduce people who are a good match – if you want to connect people to one another then often you will need to extend an invitation to something that will allow them to connect in a useful way.
To create a new community – if you want to be a social leader and get people together around an idea then inviting people who you might not be very familiar with to things that are new for them is often at the heart of what you do!
What makes it awkward?
So many people I work and socialise with find inviting a stranger or new acquaintance an awkward experience and I can see why – connecting with and getting a commitment from someone who you have only just met presents a significant communication challenge. What I have often found lies at the heart of this feeling of awkwardness is that none of us like to be told “No”.
We make “No” mean a lot of things that it probably doesn’t mean at all – that we are annoying, that the person is not nice, that we are not likeable; that what we are inviting them to is no good. Being told “No” can be confronting for many people so I would like to have a quick look at a different idea about what “No” means and then look at what reduces the chance of a “No” as well.
What does no mean?
I don’t know what know means – its such a general word anyway – but here’s a point of view that I like to place on “No” that has been very helpful for me in improving my ability to communicate. I make no mean:
“I am uncomfortable with deepening the connection I have with you, or I need more information.”
Now I’m not saying that this is what “No” means, but I have found that when someone says no and I then think about whether I have a deep enough connection with that person and whether I have given them all the information they need to make a decision it often gives me quite a few clues as to how to change my communication with them in a way that helps us both get more from our conversation.
With that out there as food for thought, lets cut to the chase and look at what works in communication. Here are a few things that work for me:
Transparent values – don’t be nice, don’t sit on the fence, don’t agree – just be yourself – express your opinions politely but with conviction. Then people can see who you are and can begin to relate to you on a deeper level. The more you share of yourself the more people will share with you.
Observing the rules of rapport - This diagram has really helped me think about how I build me relationships. It’s a great guide that helps me think about how I’m communicating with someone and where our relationship is at. Often when I’m struggling to connect with someone its because I’m trying to push the relationship beyond the level of rapport we have developed and I need to take a step back and just get to know the person some more. Other times I’m treating the person like a stranger when really our connection is deeper than that. The diagram gives me clues as to where I’ve gone wrong.
Inviting based on an established mutuality – If I’m going to invite someone to something then there needs to be some mutual reason to do so – if there is nothing that is shared between you that indicates an invitation is going to be good for both of you and help you deepen your relationship then don’t invite, get to know them a little better and you can see a clear connection between what they are about and the event you think they might like to come to.
Enthusiasm – is there any substitute for enthusiasm? If you really want someone to say yes, it shows, and it makes a big difference to their response. If you are mad keen for them to say yes, it happens more often.
Lets have a brief look at the big things that can get in the way of someone accepting your invitation?
Pressure – this is enthusiasm’s ugly twin. Tricking or coercing someone will make them say anything to get you to go away. It’s a silent killer as people won’t call you on it, so beware of your actions – if people are saying yes and then not responding to you later when you follow up with them, have a think about whether your enthusiasm is being perceived as pressure.
Lack of context – if there is no context for an invitation, no reason for you to make it from the other person’s point of view, then they have to make one up from what they know of you. This is confusing for them and can also lead to embarrassing misunderstandings.
Artificiality – the bottom line is if you aren’t really all about it, it shows. People can smell artificiality a mile off, so don’t go around stinking up the place!
So why is it worth getting good at inviting people you don’t know?
It’s a great way to become a social leader – world leaders don’t know every person they invite to elect them to office, but they ask them to vote for them anyway.
If you want to create communities that mater to you – whether it’s a sporting team, a business unit or a political party, to anything in between then being able to extend an invitation to someone you don’t know is going to get you there more quickly and more often.
If you want to attract likeminded people to you and create human energy and passion around the things that matter to you then knowing how to put yourself out there so these people can find you is imperative. How else will they know you exist?
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